Reasons to be cheerful

1 Mitchell is in Rwanda

2 They think Brown is in Southwold

3 There’s nobody in Birmingham

4 Everybody is on the M5.

5 Moving very slowly

6 Howard has taken over Mitchell’s modelling duties

7 Schoolchildren have been turned out of school to demonstrate their increased sense of community responsibility

8 Local graffiti shows noticeable Improvements in Gramer and Speling.

9 House prices are descending less quickly.

10 Stephen Byers has turned down the offer to become Milliband’s Chancellor.

11 Stephen Byers has turned down the offer to become Milliband’s Foreign Secretary.

12 Stephen Byers has announced he will not be challenging for Prime Minister.

13 Rob Pocock denies as speculative the story that thirty thousand Wheelie Bins are concealed in the same Council Warehouse as the Boldmere street furniture.

14 Birmingham Council have ordered local farmer to lift the Sutton Park cattle droppings in bio degradable plastic bags or face the consequences.

15 Rain is forecast to be less heavy during the latter part of August.

16 Sutton school denies refusing to pose with cardboard cut out of local MP.

17 Sutton Observer expressed delight at achieving the Guinness Book of Records award for publishing 2317 photos of local MP within twelve months. A spokesman said they were grateful for Mr Mitchell’s extraordinary popularity with their readers.

18 And it saved them having to write so much.

19 Walmley Cricket Club stated that the the erection of a multi-storey luxurious block of apartments at deep fine leg would have a minimal effect on the continuation of the national sport within the village.

20 Councillor Parkin is convinced the decision to move the polling station for Reddicap Heath residents would radically improve voter turn out. Mere Green Primary had always been the obvious choice. He thanked council officials for their determination to find the right solution.

21 Rob Pocock was unwilling to comment on the rumour that Labour would be bringing in a new candidate to fight the Four Oaks Ward at the next election.

22 Stephen Byers could not be reached before going to press.


Nightwatchman